Pedestrian Football is Outdated
It has recently been brought to our attention that there exists such a thing as the Unicycle Football League. This revelation was a great uptake to what seemed to be a boring day of college football. Much like the Legends Football League and Slamball, this is another sports league that tries to modify an existing sport into something that is quite fantastic. Only this time… they demand to be taken seriously.
As soon as you enter the league’s website found here, you are barraged with the tagline reading: Pedestrian Football is Outdated. This intrigued me enough to look into the rest of the sport as a whole. So far games are only played in San Marcos, Texas, and therefore not close enough for me as a Tennessean to pop over and see them play. The creativity of these guys absolutely astounds me though.
Let’s first look at the team names. They have the Gnarwhals, Hell on Wheel, Rolling Blackouts, the Unicychos, and the Unibrawdz. Mind you that these are the best names, but they also have personal names for each of the players. Some of them are quite raunchy, just a play on words, or just plain insulting. My personal favorite is Toilet Face of the Ill Eagles, but you can explore the others for yourself.
They also have a gaggle of rules to go along with their names and ridiculous garb. There are rules concerning everything down to how you remove the flag from your opposing player. For example, you can either “tackle” someone by gently removing him or her from the seat of their unicycle or taking off their flag from their attached belt. You score a touchdown in the same fashion as a regular football game, and there are even field goals as well. My favorite rule will be directly quoted from the website however:
X-2 Games are free for spectators. If this changes into a cheap admission priced event, clowns always get in free, no exceptions!
Yes, that happened.
The thing I’m still perplexed about is how these guys are able to ride a unicycle and do anything else at the same time. You’d think that with this increased level of multitasking that these individuals would be able to man at least a hundred 911 dispatch calls at a time or able to balance the world economy in the blink of an eye, but they’ve chosen this path with their lives instead. Let’s also not forget that San Marcos where Texas State is located, so I’m also a little surprised that these events haven’t blown up nationwide yet due to their exposure to drunken college kids. I guess that these kids might have their minds focused elsewhere as well. To shame, Texas State kids. To. Shame.
Unlike some other knockoff sports leagues though, they have fortunately not sunk a lot of money into advertising, and all of their promotional items do in fact come straight from Facebook albums. I would gladly take my point-and-shoot to a game to help get some quality photography for them. Then again, how can one look graceful while riding a unicycle in any means? Not even the most talented photographers could come close to making these people look presentable.
Most people would say that they have a feeling that the Unicycle Football League will fade into history just like the rest of them. However, since they are in their ninth season and consistently adding new teams to their ranks, I would also say that they’re here to stay. Since they are completely run on donations and on free time, it is just a recreational sport that should be practiced nationwide by the rest of us mere mortals. These pioneers, however, are nothing short of god-like.