Fantasy Football 2013: How Elysium Made Me Realize I’m In Too Deep

Like a lot of foolish people with nothing better to do and no value for their own time, I went to see Elysium last weekend. The movie is some sort of (extra heavy-handed) social commentary about the resources available to the haves and have-nots. I can’t really explain it very well because I was too busy thinking about fantasy football.

Taken from the Elysium website

Taken from the Elysium website

Here’s the thing about the rich people who live on Elysium (a rich-people-only satellite planet that orbits Earth): They have these “Med Bays” that are a medical swiss army device capable of instantly reprogramming your body back to full health no matter what the ailment. The moral of the story is something about the power of health care and how it should be shared, but I missed it because as soon as I saw the Med Bays, all I could think about was how they would fundamentally change the landscape of fantasy football.

Think about this: your first-round fantasy running back goes over the top on a fourth-and-one dive in Week 1 and comes up limping. Instead of your whole season flashing before you, you could throw all your effort into a celebration dance because that sideline Med Bay will make sure he doesn’t miss any snaps. In fact, you could throw your back out in that celebration and you too would be fine.

Imagine having the second pick in a fantasy draft this year and approaching the podium with the kind of confidence that only an injury-free season of Arian Foster can provide. Imagine how good Jamaal Charles could be. Imagine not getting laughed at when you drafted Darren McFadden. The possibilities are endless.

Sorry Ben Tate, Bernard Pierce, Jonathan Dwyer and the like, your value as fantasy backups and football players in general is basically reduced to 0. But was grabbing an opponent’s handcuff and hoping for injury really helping the game anyway?

I’m sure there’s more to Elysium and the health care debate to hash out, but it can wait until January.

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