Responding to the 2013 NBA Draft First Round Picks in 5 Words or Fewer

This is a bit of a tradition at SpreeGoogs. After drafts, I get all worked up and yell things, no matter what happens. Kind of like Ollie Williams’ news reports.

The idea of assigning draft grades is not something we really approve of SpreeGoogs, but it’s totally fine to have draft reactions, and that’s what you’re about to see. Thirty of them. Bigger. Bolder. CAPSer. Pacer.

Please, Anthony Bennett, make sur no one gets any mock draft picks right this year

Please, Anthony Bennett, make sure no one gets any mock draft picks right this year

1. Cleveland Cavaliers – Anthony Bennett
TAKE THAT, MOCK DRAFTS

2. Orlando Magic – Victor Oladipo
EARLY ROY CANDIDATE

3. Washington Wizards – Otto Porter
WE GET IT, HE’S LOCAL

4. Charlotte Bobcats/Hornets – Cody Zeller
MICHAEL JORDAN IS HILARIOUS or
AT LEAST HE’S HEALTHY

5. Phoenix Suns – Alex Len
F*** YOU, NERLENS NOEL

6. Philadelphia 76ers – Nerlens Noel
WHY WOULD YOU TRADE JRUE?

7. Sacramento Kings – Ben McLemore
WELCOME TO NONEXISTENCE

8. Detroit Pistons – Kentavious Caldwell-Pope
SO … KNIGHT WILL PLAY POINT?

Utah wanted a point guard, so they just grabbed the best one there was, no big deal

Utah wanted a point guard, so they just grabbed the best one there was, no big deal

9. Utah Jazz – Trey Burke
THEY GOT THE BEST ONE

10. Portland Trailblazers – C.J. McCollum
CJ AND LILLARD? THAT’S AWESOME

11. Philadelphia 76ers – Michael Carter-Williams
LOVE MCW, BUT < HOLIDAY

12. Oklahoma City Thunder – Steven Adams
HOPE THAT POTENTIAL TURN OUT

13. Boston Celtics – Kelly Olynyk
BOSTON IS DOING TOO MUCH

14. Minnesota Timberwolves – Shabazz Muhammad
HOPE HE’S COOL NOT DRIBBLING

Wait, is there a p, a second t, an h? Print it on a jersey already.

Wait, is there a p, a second t, an h? Print it on a jersey already.

15. Milwaukee Bucks – Giannis Adetokunbo
CAN WE AGREE ON SPELLING?

16. Atlanta Hawks – Lucas Noguiera
KEEP THE FRO

17. Atlanta Hawks – Dennis Schroeder
SOOOOOOO MUCH SPEED 

18. Dallas Maverick – Shane Larkin
HE’S THE FUTURE … BY DEFAULT

19. Cleveland Cavaliers – Sergey Karasev
NO MORE ASSASSIN JOKES

20. Chicago Bulls – Tony Snell
THIBS LOVES UTILITY PLAYERS

21. Minnesota Timberwolves – Gorgui Dieng
GREAT FIRST ROUND IN MINNY

22. Brooklyn Nets – Mason Plumlee
(SNICKERS)

The Pacers have a draft strategy that revolves around picking a guy who will absolutely, undoubtedly be there when they pick and then hoping he works out.

The Pacers have a draft strategy that revolves around picking a guy who will absolutely, undoubtedly be there when they pick and then hoping he works out.

23. Indiana Pacers – Solomon Hill
DO YOU REALLY MEAN TO TELL ME THAT IN YOUR ESTIMATION, THERE WERE, AT MOST, 22 PLAYERS BETTER THAN SOLOMON HILL? DIDN’T MILES PLUMLEE TEACH YOU ANYTHING? or

IT’S A GOOD THING SOMEONE KNOCKED 2010 (GEORGE, STEPHENSON) OUT OF THE PARK OR YOU’D ALL BE FIRED

24. New York Knicks – Tim Hardaway Jr.
OH LOOK, MORE THREE-POINTERS

25. Los Angeles Clippers – Reggie Bullock
STEAL OF THE ROUND?

26. Oklahoma City Thunder – Andre Roberson
WAIT, DO THEY NEED THIS?

27. Utah Jazz – Rudy Gobert
THIS WON’T WORK OUT

28. San Antonio Spurs – Livio-Jean Charles
ANOTHER FOREIGN STASH SUCCESS?

29. Phoenix Suns – Archie Goodwin
HE’S BETTER THAN LEN

30. Golden State Warriors – Nemanja Nedovic
WHO?

Enjoy the offseason.

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