I’m the guy who voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP
Hey. I’m the guy. Nice to meet you. No, nice to meet me, am I right? Of course I’m right. I’m the guy. I’m the guy who voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP.
I could’ve been like all the other guys. The other guys who, upon seeing a list of names of professional basketball players and deigned with the task of selecting one for MVP, opted for the easy way out, the vote everyone could understand, like those oversized text printings of classic novels with the line drawings on every other page. Not me. This year, there’s a new author in town, and he’s re-writing the book of MVP voting in mojumbi, a language I made up to talk to dogs. I am this author. I voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP.
I know what you’re thinking. That guy, the guy who voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP – what’s his secret? How is he able to make such important decisions with such clarity of vision, like a doctor referring a gout-riddled patient to the third or fourth best gout specialist in the city? I’ll tell you how, just like I told you who the MVP was this season (Carmelo Anthony): ignorance.
In this fast-paced world we live in, who has time to sit down and watch a basketball game? Certainly not a guy who plays in as many recreational kickball leagues (four) as I do. It’s like my teammate and best friend Shlem always tells me, “Stop bunting every time. Everyone hates that.” I try to live my life and vote for my MVPs by this mantra. This year the baserunner that is the MVP ballot tried to slide right past me, and I nailed it in the head, giving it a mild-grade concussion. Score.
And for those who may ask, how can that guy live with himself? You know the guy, the one who voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP. Well let me learn you something, trucknut: I live just fine. Not a year goes by that Matt Dillon doesn’t call me up and thank me for helping Crash win Best Picture in 2005, and while I wasn’t able to push Carmelo over the top, I think I’ve earned a lifetime of gratitude and FREE CANDY.
Look, when push came to shove, I went with my heart. When pencil came to paper, it wrote down Carmelo Anthony. When the nice man came to check on me, I hid in the shed.
In a hundred years, no one will remember who won MVP this season. Heck, no one will remember what is a basketball and how do I do it? When the dust settles, and the marmot invasion is complete, they will open the record books and find one name, scrawled in the grease from a Doritos Locos taco wrapper: The guy who voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP. That guy is me. I’m the guy.
I voted for Carmelo Anthony for MVP.
Seriously. I did that.