Responding to the 2013 NFL First Round Draft Picks in 5 Words or Fewer

It’s pretty customary for SpreeGoogs to celebrate drafts with instant, but brief reactions. Without seeing any of the players in last night’s draft play a snap of pro football, I’m about to unleash some instant diagnoses of the picks. And not just any words, strong words. Bold words. Capitalized words. Imagine these picks to be a brief, extra-loud outburst of analysis that is, above all other things, enthusiastic.

A genuine surprise at number 1? What a treat.

A genuine surprise at number 1? What a treat.

1. Kansas City Chiefs — Eric Fisher, OT (Central Michigan):
THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD

2. Jacksonville Jaguars — Luke Joeckel, OT (Texas A&M):
SEE ABOVE

Guards aren't sexy, but Pro Bowl appearances are.

Guards aren’t sexy, but Pro Bowl appearances are.

3. Miami Dolphins — Dion Jordan, LB/DE (Oregon):
LESSER NEED; HE’S A MONSTER 

4. Philadelphia Eagles — Lane Johnson, OT (Oklahoma):
SORRY GENO, PROTECTORS OUTWEIGH PROTECTEES 

5. Detroit Lions — Ezekiel Ansah, DE (BYU):
BALLSY MOVE, HE’S PRETTY RAW

6. Cleveland Browns — Barkevious Mingo, DE (LSU):
DEFENSES LOVE FAST PASS RUSHERS

7. Arizona Cardinals —Jonathan Cooper, OG (North Carolina):
MAYBE THE ROUND’S SAFEST PICK

Here he is, the wrench in the draft

Here he is, the wrench in the draft

8. St. Louis Rams — Tavon Austin, WR (West Virginia):
HOPE HE RUNS HIMSELF OPEN

9. New York Jets — Dee Milliner, CB (Alabama):
BEST DEFENSIVE PLAYER

10. Tennessee Titans —Chance Warmack, OG (Alabama):
GUARDS ARE ALWAYS CORRECT PICKS

11. San Diego Chargers — D.J. Fluker, OT (Alabama):
NOT SEXY, BUT SUCCESSFUL

12. Oakland Raiders —D.J. Haden, CB (Houston):
THE RAIDERS ARE HILARIOUS

He's out first correct mock draft pick ... Thanks, Kenny

He’s out first correct mock draft pick … Thanks, Kenny

13. New York Jets — Sheldon Richardson, DT (Mizzou):
MISSED THE NEEDS, WEIRD FIT

14. Carolina Panthers — Star Lotulelei, DT (Utah):
HOW IS HE STILL AVAILABLE?

15. New Orleans Saints — Kenny Vaccaro, SS (Texas):
ONE SMALL, SIGNIFICANT STEP

16. Buffalo Bills — E.J. Manuel, QB (Florida State):
DID AL DAVIS PICK THIS?

17. Pittsburgh Steelers — Jarvis Jones, Linebacker (Georgia):
PERFECT PLAYER, PERFECT FIT

18. San Francisco 49ers — Eric Reid, FS (LSU):
MOVED UP FOR HIM?

He's good. But not as good as Buffalo thinks.

He’s good. But not as good as Buffalo thinks.

19. New York Giants — Justin Pugh, OT (Syracuse):
REACH MUCH? HEAD-SCRATCHER

20. Chicago Bears — Kyle Long, OG (Oregon):
JUST KEEP PICKING O-LINEMEN

21. Cincinnati Bengals — Tyler Eifert, TE (Notre Dame):
WHY DID HE FALL?

22. Atlanta Falcons — Desmond Trufant, CB (Washington):
NFC SOUTH TEAMS ACQUIRE SECONDARY

23. Minnesota Vikings — Sharrif Floyd, DT (Florida):
NO WAY DID HE FALL

The mock draft hero that no team actually wanted

The mock draft hero that no team actually wanted

24. Indianapolis Colts — Bjoern Werner, DE (Florida State):
GOOD VALUE PICK, NEED POSITION

25. Minnesota Vikings — Xavier Rhodes, CB (Florida State):
SECOND-BEST CORNERBACK, GREAT VALUE

26. Green Bay Packers — Datone Jones, DE (UCLA):
SUPER VERSATILE, NO HUGE NEEDS

27. Houston Texans — DeAndre Hopkins, WR (Clemson):
OUR MOCK DRAFT MIRACLE PICK!

28. Denver Broncos — Sylvester Williams, DT (North Carolina):
A GREAT LANDING SPOT FOR HIM

Honestly, has anyone seen Travis Frederick before the draft? Cowboys scouts included .

Honestly, has anyone seen Travis Frederick before the draft? Cowboys scouts included .

29. Minnesota Vikings — Cordarrelle Patterson, WR (Tennessee):
THREE FIRST ROUNDERS? STOP TRADING

30. St. Louis Rams — Alec Ogletree, LB (Georgia):
LOVE THIS TRADE/PICK 

31. Dallas Cowboys — Travis Frederick, C (Wisconsin):
WHO? SERIOUSLY WHO IS THIS?

32. Baltimore Ravens — Matt Elam, FS (Florida)
FILLLING ENORMOUS ED REED HOLE

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