Why Does Michael Jordan Need So Many Pockets to Play Golf?

A Miami country club gave MJ the David Stern circa 1993-94 treatment, telling His Airness to stay away for wearing cargo pants (or as I called them in high school, the fruits of every $40 Old Navy gift card from my aunt).

Now Jordan is certainly no stranger to, um, idiosyncratic outerwear choices. He doesn’t commit fashion faux pas so much as fashion fupas. But it’s cool, sometimes when you chill courtside you gotta let the knees breathe.

But on the golf course? I can’t get with this look.

Did MJ make an American Eagle on this hole? Or did the Marshalls accuse his group of slow play?

You never want to be catching fabric in your spikes as you walk the fairway, not to mention a tighter fit really streamlines a powerful posture at address. And the pockets. Man. Even if MJ was rocking cargos with zip-away legs (let’s hope!), this is just too many pockets to play golf in. One on the right for tees and ballmarks, one on the left for scorecard and pencil, throw in a back one if you like to style your glove back there when you putt – that’s all you need.

So what could Michael Jordan, who “had been there many times before and had worn cargo pants previously,” possibly need all that innerpant real estate for?

– Someone told him to “put that win in your pocket” whenever the Bobcats won a game last season, so he did, but he only got to use 7 of them.

– He likes to hide Muggsy Bogues in a random pocket the night before, forget about it, then get an adorable little surprise high five when he reaches for a cigar on the 1st tee.

– Little pockets for little combs for his little Hitler mustache.

– Just seeing how much he can get away with since everyone knows Charles Oakley is waiting, camouflaged in the woods, ready to strike.

– A full sleeve of Titleists (this is just efficient, really).

– Fart incubator, for the guys in the locker room later.

– Being the artist he is, MJ is simply representing the clunky, hazardous nature of Charles Barkley’s swing path in pant form.

I’m sure he has a reason. And you know, if he checks the country club’s bylaws, I’m sure there’s something in there about being pro-zubaz.