Well the Olympics are done. “I’ll never forget all the athletes responsible for so many indelible moments during this time. They are a cherished memory for me.” Good for you, Mr. Literally No Person Ever, but for the rest of us, the two weeks we spent glued to our channel guides will be our lasting exposure to most of these athletes.
That is, of course, excepting the ones who get their big break and find themselves cast in a Subway commercial. Nastia Liukin spent her post-Beijing years eating fresh, which is why we all cried together when she fell that time. Apolo Anton Ohno murdered an entire South Korean family but still turned a sandwich-holding career into a lucrative deal filming interstitials of him tickling Bobbies. Four! More! Years!
Here are the London athletes who best represent Subway’s values of freshness, optional toastiness, and five-dollarness.
America’s Doucheheart executed an absolutely perfect “peace out, bro” after that first gold medal, but he did all he had to do: stay relevant long enough to score his mom an interview. We learned from Mrs. L that Ryan only has time for one-night stands, and ladies, what better pitstop on your walk of shame home from a man who pees in pools, than Subway?
The South Korean fencer whose tearful rendition of “The Artist is Present” after getting screwed out of the medal round reminded me of myself when I found out Subways in New York don’t have pepper jack cheese.
Anytime a Subway employee wins a silver medal in the 10,000m, you gotta take advantage of that corporate synergy.
Gabby Douglas was all ready to be the breakout sandwich-pitching star of the Fab Five, and then McKayla made that face. That’s the face of someone watching tuna being applied to bread with an ice cream scooper, or realizing that the footlong you ordered is “premium” and therefore 8 dollars, or asking for olives and getting all of two. In other words, that’s the face of the Subway sandwich experience.
The Nigeria Men’s Basketball Team
It’s not cheating on your diet if you buy 4 white chocolate macadamia nut cookies after losing a basketball game by 83 points. We’ll all understand.
What, you don’t remember the single greatest athletic feat of the past two weeks? The sheer display of dominance from one man in a zone unlike we’ve ever seen? Let Sal Rodriguez, newly-crowned World’s Fastest Sandwich Artist, school you some.
Some days you just feel like a six-inch.