The way the universe is currently set up, it will end in 2012. The way SpreeGoogs is set up, we like to run with conspiracy theories. Even though the world didn’t technically end when the old science indicated it would last May, the new science predicting 2012 as the end of the world is pretty much airtight.
In other, seemingly unrelated news, the heartland of our great country has been hit with a heat wave unlike anything seen in the last 50 years. But wait a minute? Isn’t it strange that in the year that the world ends, the literal Heat in the country started boiling over as soon as the Miami Heat won the NBA Championship? Coincidence? You can decide …
Maybe the universe is a basketball fan and it let the NBA decide how we would all go out. Is it that crazy? Maybe. But if you’re accepting the premise that the world is ending in the next five and a half months, it’s not too crazy to make the extra jump to basketball-determined destruction.
Looking at the range of team names available as a means of world-ending, it’s a little unsexy that we have to settle for the Heat, but honestly, that’s near the easy end of the spectrum. We could have been in way more trouble.
To paint a fuller picture of how it all could have ended, I’ve ranked the degree of eventual apocalypse among available NBA team names below, starting with what I think would be the least (30) to the most (1) terrifying. Enjoy.
A Cushy, Leisurely End
30. Nets – I’m imaging this to be a lot like an afternoon nap in a hammock that just went a little too far. Any way you picture death by relaxed suspension, it’s borderline comfortable.
29. Nuggets – Let it be clear that this team name comes from the hard gold nuggets and not golden delicious McNuggets. Still, this wouldn’t be too far off from what we’ve seen Scrooge McDuck do on a regular basis.
Hard to separate these two, but I’d say it’s slightly scarier if there’s a real person involved. Apocalypse by Magic seems to be pretty quick and without an actual Wizard involved, it’s quick, painless and won’t be taken personally.
26. Knickerbockers – Amazing to think how this would happen, but it undoubtedly involves skinny jeans.
Abstract Groups of People
25. 76ers – Stand for Freedom and Liberty, meet death and destruction
24. Trailblazers – Lewis and Clark? Only scary if you’re the unknown
23. Kings – Kind of a grab-bag, is it the King of the Cage or the King’s Speech?
22. Celtics – A genuinely terrifying people, but weapons from before Jesus
21. Warriors – By far the meanest of this group
Forces of Nature
It’s really hard to differentiate the Heat and the Suns, but the Suns get an edge for bringing friends and having a mysterious astronomical dimension. Nothing outside of an Indian restaurant is hotter than the Sun, and a group of them would be unbearable.
17. Jazz – This sounds gentle, but even if I forget that Death by Jazz sounds like an Agatha Christie book, the idea that music could be so bad it ended humanity means it must be indescribably awful. I’ve heard plenty of Nickelback songs that didn’t hurt anyone and to think that a song would have to be worse than that to mortally injure a listener is mind-blowingly painful
Modes of Transportation
On their own, these are just ways to get from one place to another, but I’m thinking more of a Rise of the Machines situation here.
16. Pacers – It’s hard to run from something going exactly your speed in front of you
15. Clippers – Boats can be scary, but hard to get worked up if you don’t live on water
14. Pistons – Enough piston and you’re talking serious speed
There are ways that all of these animals could overrun the world and end civilization as we know it. Taking that into account, these animals are basically rated on how successful I think I would be in hand-to-hoof combat against them.
Horsemen of the Apocalypse
3-5. Cavaliers, Mavericks, Spurs – It’s really hard to separate these three because they’re all basically the same thing (with a bit of extrapolation on who is wearing the spurs). Horses and the apocalypse goes all the way back to the Bible, and if I’m going to be taking the Mayan calendar seriously, I might as well take God’s word for it too.
Everyone’s Biggest Fear
2. Lakers – This is just straight drowning.
It’s a Good Thing Daryl Morey Has No Idea What He’s Doing
1. Rockets – I’ve read enough Kurt Vonnegut to know that bombs and explosions are a terrible thing to endure. This would be more horrifying if the Rockets were a legit contender to win something besides the draft lottery. A more aeronautical interpretation of death by rockets could involve everyone getting shipped off to some alien planet to perish, but it was hard enough for me to watch Armageddon, so I’ll stay away from that.
Thankfully, the Fever play in the WNBA. If the Universe were a WNBA fan, we’d have bigger problems.