Responding to the 2012 NBA Draft Picks in 5 Capitalized Words or Fewer

Here it comes, START SCREAMING:

1. New Orleans Hornets – Anthony Davis
 ONLY OPTION

2. Charlotte Bobcats – Michael Kidd-Gilchrist
SURPRISED THEY DIDN’T SCREW UP 

3. Washington Wizards – Bradley Beal
TRADE FORCED THEIR HAND 

4. Cleveland Cavaliers – Dion Waiters
SCORES JUST LIKE KYRIE IRVING

5. Sacramento Kings – Thomas Robinson
THEY ALREADY HAVE THIS GUY 

6. Portland Trailblazers – Damian Lillard
FITS THEIR NEEDS BEST 

I’M PERFECT FOR THIS TEAM

7. Golden State Warriors – Harrison Barnes
PERFECT PLAYER FOR THIS TEAM 

8. Toronto Raptors – Terrence Ross
 SHOOTING TRANSLATES TO THE PROS

9. Detroit Pistons – Andre Drummond
HE WILL NOT SUCCEED

10. New Orleans Hornets – Austin Rivers
THIS TEAM ALMOST LOOKS MEDIOCRE 

11. Portland Trailblazers – Meyers Leonard
HE’S TALL. BUT THAT’S IT 

12. Houston Rockets – Jeremy Lamb
SURPRISED HE FELL THIS FAR

13. Phoenix Suns – Kendall Marshall
PERFECT SITUATION FOR PHOENIX 

14. Milwaukee Bucks – John Henson
25 POUNDS SHORT OF AMAZING

15. Philadelphia 76ers – Maurice Harkless
 GOODBYE ANDRE, IT WAS FUN

16. Houston Rockets – Royce White
 SUPER VERSATILE BIG, FITS NICELY

17. Dallas Mavericks – Tyler Zeller (traded to Cleveland)
OWNED CLEVELAND IN THAT TRADE 

18. Houston Rockets – Terrence Jones
GREAT DRAFT FOR HOUSTON 

19. Orlando Magic – Andrew Nicholson
NOT THE BEST BIG LEFT

20. Denver Nuggets – Evan Fournier
EUROS ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO PREDICT

21. Boston Celtics – Jared Sullinger
TOO TALENTED TO BE LEFT

22. Boston Celtics – Fab Melo
NEEDS TO LEARN FROM GARNETT 

23. Atlanta Hawks – John Jenkins
WEIRD FIT, BUT HIGH POTENTIAL

LATE SECOND/UNDRAFTED MY ASS

24. Cleveland Cavaliers – Jared Cunningham (traded to Mavericks)
WHO IS THIS GUY? 

25. Memphis Grizzlies – Tony Wroten
TOO MUCH ATHLETICISM IN MEMPHIS

26. Indiana Pacers – Miles Plumlee
YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS MILES PLUMLEE AHEAD OF PERRY JONES AND ARNETT MOULTRIE? HE’S 24. AND AVERAGE 6 POINTS A GAME IN COLLEGE. LARRY BIRD WILL NOT BE MISSED ON DRAFT DAY. THIS IS THE BRUCE IRVIN PICK OF THIS DRAFT.

27. Miami Heat – Arnett Moultrie (traded to 76ers)
FREAKISHLY MOBILE BIG, HIGH CEILING 

28. Oklahoma City Thunder – Perry Jones III
THIS DRAFT IS TOO DEEP

29. Chicago Bulls – Marquis Teague
JUST FOUND ROSE’S 2012 REPLACEMENT 

30. Golden State Warriors – Festus Ezeli
ADDS SIZE TO WARRIORS POST 

email