Responding to the First Round Picks of the 2012 NFL Draft In 5 Words or Fewer

I like drafts. More than like drafts. I love drafts. I feel the same way about drafts that Cookie Monster feels about a swimming pool full of Chips-Ahoy.

Tonight was the first round of the NFL draft and I’m about to implode with draft-induced zeal. Somewhere in between bouncing off walls, I’m going to recap each pick of tonight’s first round, followed by a five-words-or-fewer ALL-CAPS instant analysis without explanation. Maybe it’s too early to tell, but this post is definitely better than ESPN’s “Mel Kiper’s Conditioner Gives Him Extra Volume.”

1. Indianapolis Colts — Andrew Luck, Quarterback (Stanford):
NO OTHER CHOICE

2. Washington Redskins — Robert Griffin III, Quarterback (Baylor):
NO OTHER CHOICE

This was weird for everyone.

3. Cleveland Browns — Trent Richardson, Running Back (Alabama):
HOW OLD IS HIS DAUGHTER?

4. Minnesota Vikings — Matt Kalil, Offensive Tackle (USC):
MUGGED THE BROWNS IN TRADE

5. Jacksonville Jaguars — Justin Blackmon, Wide Receiver (Oklahoma State):
WON’T MAKE GABBERT ANY BETTER

6. Dallas Cowboys — Morris Claiborne, Cornerback (LSU):
RIGHT PLAYER, WORTH THE TRADE

7. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Mark Barron, Safety (Alabama):
NEED SAFETIES IN NFC SOUTH

8. Miami Dolphins — Ryan Tannehill, Quarterback (Taxes A&M):
YOU CAN’T BE SERIOUS (LAUGHING)

9. Carolina Panthers — Luke Keuchly, Linebacker (Boston College):
THEY NEED EVERYTHING ON DEFENSE

10. Buffalo Bills — Stephon Gilmore, Cornerback (South Carolina):
SHALLOW POSITIONS = HORRIBLE DRAFT PICKS

11. Kansas City Chiefs — Dontari Poe, Defensive Tackle (Memphis):
NO WAY THAT WAS INTENTIONAL

12. Philadelphia Eagles — Fletcher Cox, Defensive Tackle (Mississippi State):
GOOD VALUE PICK, FITS PERFECTLY

13. Arizona Cardinals — Michael Floyd, Wide Receiver (Notre Dame):
ALL RECEIVERS, NO QUARTERBACKS

14. St. Louis Rams — Michael Brockers, Defensive Tackle (LSU):
NEAR MISS; NEED RUN-STOPPER

The Seattle Seahawks picked Bruce Irvin 3 rounds too soon. Side Note: I’m not even sure what Bruce Irvin looks like, this might be someone else.

15. Seattle Seahawks — Bruce Irvin, Linebacker (West Virginia):
WHO THE HELL IS HE?

16. New York Jets — Quinton Coples, Defensive End (North Carolina):
ADDING MATCHES TO POWDER KEG

17. Cincinnati Bengals — Dre Kirkpatrick, Cornerback (Alabama):
FILLS A BIG HOLE

18. San Diego Chargers — Melvin Ingram, Defensive End (South Carolina):
BEST PLAYER IN THE CLASS

19. Chicago Bears — Shea McClellin, Linebacker (Boise State):
WHEN WILL THEY PICK O-LINE?

20. Tennessee Titans — Kendall Wright, Wide Receiver (Baylor):
HOW’D HE GET THAT FAT?

21. New England Patriots — Chandler Jones, Defensive Ends (Syracuse):
EXCUSE ME? THEY TRADED UP?

22. Cleveland Browns — Brandon Weeden, Quarterback (Oklahoma State):
THE MISTAKE WE SAW COMING

23. Detroit Lions — Riley Reiff, Offensive Tackle (Iowa):
HOW’D HE FALL THS FAR?

24. Pittsburgh Steelers — David DeCastro, Guard (Stanford):
TOP TEN TALENT

Can the Patriots Make Dont’a Hightower a star? The world will likely end before we find out.

25. New England Patriots — Dont’a Hightower, Linebacker (Alabama):
TRADED UP AGAIN? APOCALYPSE NEARS

26. Houston Texans — Whitney Mercilus, Defensive End (Illinois):
RISKY, BUT COULD REPLACE WILLIAMS

27. Cincinnati Bengals — Kevin Zeitler, Guard (Wisconsin):
THEY NEEDED THIS

28. Green Bay Packers — Nick Perry, Defensive End (USC):
SUPER HIGH POTENTIAL, FILLS HOLE

29. Minnesota Vikings — Harrison Smith, Safety (Notre Dame):
NEED PASS DEFENSE IN DIVISION

30.  San Francisco 49ers — A.J. Jenkins, Wide Receiver (Illinois):
FILLS HOLE? UNIQUE SKILL SET

31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Doug Martin, Running Back (Bose State):
SNEAKED IN FRONT OF GIANTS

32. New York Giants — David Wilson, Running Back (Virginia tech):
FORCED IT A LITTLE

Let me know what you think in the comments. And I have a special draft surprise coming up for you guys soon. You’ll have to keep coming back to find out what it is.

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