Nineties Non-Sequitur: Why Can’t Anyone Assemble the Shrine of the Silver Monkey?

**Section Note: The majority of this blog is sports content, written for people who still love the 1990s. Most of the time, I’ll write about sports, but sometimes I have ideas about the ‘90’s that just shouldn’t be contained. Starting now, I’d like to unabashedly post these thoughts without having to draw some flimsy athletic analogy. 

Do you ever feel hopeless? Like the world as you know it is coming to an end and you truly can’t do anything about it? Typically, my ‘90s nostalgia is carefree and generally optimistic or even inspiring. But there’s one thing that happened in the ‘90s, above all else, that permanently damaged my soul. There’s one thing that even as an adult, I can’t shake – Kids can’t figure out the Shrine of the Silver Monkey.

It’s one of the classic rooms in the Hidden Temple, and the instructions from Olmec were always the same: “Assemble the statue.” But how could something to simple be made to look so difficult? I remember watching Legends back in the day and screaming frantically at the TV for the contestants to just move faster or stop being such an idiot.

The challenge is this: there are three pieces to the silver monkey statue: a base, a body and a head. Forget that I just used two colons in a sentence, although grammatically, I’m not sure that’s unacceptable. All you have to do is grab those three pieces and put them together, one of top of the other, in the right order and the next challenge will be open to you.

But watching teams consistently get caught up in this room was maddening. Sorry, you grabbed the wrong piece? Well there’s only three so you really must have tried hard. You can’t figure out which way it goes? They give them to you in the right orientation, you really have to go out of your way to discombobulate things so bad you can’t get it straight again. Come on, people. You’re not just average citizens, you’re Nickelodeon game show contestants. Get. It. Together.

Clearly the best strategy was to grab all three pieces at the beginning (to minimize travel time) and then put the three pieces together all at once. I consider myself to be something of an encyclopedia of ‘90s Nickelodeon TV and I don’t remember more than a handful of contestants ever getting this advanced technique.

I scrubbed the archives and put together a little bit of an educational video for you to embrace the Shrine Sadness with me and commiserate on what could have been. Enjoy.

Do you have unresolved feelings about the Shrine of the Silver Monkey? Any suggestions for my next Nineties Non-Sequitur? Let me know in the comments below.

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