Puppy Bowl 2012: Because Eli Manning Isn’t Going to Lick Your Face When You Get Home Tonight

Have you ever watched the Super Bowl and wondered why it wasn’t cuter? I know I have. Sure, it’s the most-watched sporting event in America, but what does that really do for you?

Sorry Eli, you don't do it for me like this guy does.

I’m not trying to be down on the Super Bowl, but the truth is that the emotional wreckage (don’t click on this if you are in public or near children) of the Saints loss to the 49ers has left football entirely ruined for me. Will I still watch the big game? Sure. But mostly because I like bacon-wrapped cocktail wieners.

There is plenty of Super Bowl coverage out there. But this post isn’t about the Super Bowl. It’s about my favorite Super Bowl knock-off, the Puppy Bowl, which brings together all of the things I like about the post-Saints NFL (pets pretending to be people, football stadiums scaled down to 1/10000000th actual size, punny penalties that are hardly enforced) into one two-hour Animal Planet classic.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, the Puppy Bowl is basically a tiny stadium filled with cameras and football-themed dog toys. The cameras roll and the puppies frolic, while some underpaid intern crams football wordplays into a voiceover script. Before the puppy hijinks begin, the saddest man in America is selected to be the official “referee” of the game, which is difficult, because the rules of Puppy Bowl are extremely nonexistent. Here’s some game footage from last year’s PB:

In all seriousness, not only am I going to watch the Puppy Bowl this year, I’m going to DVR it. I love sports, but I’m genuinely disinterested in this year’s non-puppy Super Bowl because I just don’t care about the teams involved. If you’re in the same boat as me, you should stand proud and watch Puppy Bowl 8 with me. 9.2 million Americans watched it last year, which is an awful lot of people.

The penalties are as real as his girlfriend

There are a lot of people who like sports. There are a lot more people who like baby dogs.

What other surprises does Puppy Bowl 8 have in store? How about this: baby pigs, baby birds and the same old baby cats that have been teasing us at halftime for seven years.

I’m honestly excited about the Puppy Bowl this year. And you should be too. There’s no east-coast bias, no teams that weren’t really that good this year, no re-match hype that no one cares about and most importantly, there ARE fluffy animals. To me, that’s more of a good time than the Patriots-Giants matchup. If you don’t agree, look into the faces of this year’s starters and tell me differently.

*Note: The author of this post is extremely allergic to dogs and his bravery should be commended sincerely in the comments section.