Heisman Haiku and Unapologetic Rankings

The end of the college football season is great for a bunch of reasons: the pep bands, the bittersweet celebrations of seniors at their last home games, the will-he-go/will-he-stay debates. It’s all fun and we get to ride through the whole roller coaster every year. It’s unlike any other sport.

But the truly unique thing about the end of the college football season, and the one that makes it stand out to me, is that there is no way to end the year that satisfies anyone. NCAA football is basically four months of football games that do nothing but give us statistical fodder for whatever points of view we already started the year endorsing. The true winner of any college football season isn’t a team or a player, it’s the art of debate. And not the kind where teams score points and counterpoints and things like that, the kind where you yell and swear at your friends for hours and you end up no closer to agreement than you started. Which teams really belong in the championship game? Which conference was the best? Which players will be the best pros? There aren’t real answers to these questions, but that doesn’t stop us. College football doesn’t even produce debates, it produces irrational arguments. Which is why we all love it.

This weekend is the literal and figurative stage for one of those big college football arguments: the Heisman presentation. Some guys play on better teams. Some guys play more important positions. Some guys play against weaker opponents. Some guys accept illegal stuff from other people and are obviously going to have to return anything they win a few years down the road. There’s just no way to appropriately factor in all the variables and weight them correctly to produce one clear-cut winner. So I’m not going to try.

In a normal blog post, I’d dig up numbers and give you thousand-word explanations about things. In those same posts, I’d inevitably get someone who reads that post and somehow cannot grasp the genius I’ve presented to reasonably.

But because college football (and particularly it’s end-game awards) is so necessarily subjective, I’m not going to try to statistically woo or reason with you. It’s always been the goal of SpreeGoogs to give the readers something they can’t find anywhere else, and that’s exactly what I’ll do. Sure, for those of you thirsty enough for stats, I’ll give you a basic rundown of the numbers, but nothing in depth. I’m going to give my final Heisman ballot in the order I rank my top five candidates (of all players, not just those who are finalists), along with a special Heisman Haiku I wrote for your enjoyment. And that’s it. Buckle up, there’s come choppy pseudo-poetry ahead of you. (Thanks to HeismanPundit.com for the stats.)

Robert Griffin III: The second best college quarterback to wear #10 (behind only Chase Daniel) and the third best Robert Griffin in his own family

1. Robert Griffin III, QB Baylor — 267 of 369 (.723%); 3,998 passing yards; 36 passing TDs, 161 carries for 644 rushing yards; 9 rushing TDs

Throws a mean deep ball
Impossible to tackle
Also, hurdles champ

2. Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama — 263 carries for 1,583 rushing yards; 20 rushing TDs; 27 receptions for 327 receiving yards; 3 receiving TDs

Frequent runner-up
NFL-ready today
Share Ingram’s Heisman

3. Montee Ball, RB, Wisconsin — 275 carries for 1,759 rushing yards; 32 rushing TDs; 20 receptions for 255 receiving yards; 6 receiving TDs

Unreal touchdown count
Focus of great offense
Threw a TD too

4. Matt Barkley, QB, USC — 308 of 446 (.690%); 3,528 passing yards; 39 passing TDs; 2 rushing TDs

Improved ev’rything
Throws to best receiving corps
Please don’t go pro yet

5. Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford — 261 of 376 (.694%); 3,170 passing yards; 35 passing TDs; 2 rushing TDs

Awesome pro prospect
Scary that he might improve
Playing with Peyton

Those are my final Heisman rankings without justification. Let me know what you think in the comments.