Responding to NBA Draft Picks in 5 Words or Fewer

That draft was intense. It only took 4 picks for it to pretty much get ridiculous, which is about what we all expected. I’ve listed the results below with what I believe to be the correct transactions via trade, and then an extremely brief analysis.

I did this for the NFL Draft (based mainly on my response to Carp’s guest post), and I really liked it, so I’m going to respond to each of the 30 first-round picks with a statement of five words or fewer, all caps and bold to emphasize how important it is. Let me know what you think in the comments.

1. Cleveland — Kyrie Irving, Duke:
INJURED YOUNG = INJURED ALWAYS

2. Minnesota — Derrick Williams, Arizona:
BEST PLAYER, 0.00 NEED THOUGH

3. Utah — Enes Kanter, Turkey:
HUGE MYSTERY, COULD BE GREAT

Who ruined the everyone’s mock drafts this year? No doubt about it.

4. Cleveland — Tristan Thompson, Texas:
REALLY? NO ONE GUESSED THIS

5. Toronto — Jonas Valanciunas, Lithuania:
THEY CAN AFFORD TO WAIT

6. Washington — Jan Vesely, Belgrade:
WIZARDS TYPE: UNREAL ATHLETICISM

7. Sacramento (traded to Charlotte) Bismack Biyombo, Congo:
95% BUST, SEAR SENE 2.0

8. Detroit — Brandon Knight, Kentucky:
HOW DID HE FALL HERE?

9. Charlotte — Kemba Walker, Connecticut:
HE’S A NICE FIT

10. Milwaukee (traded to Sacramento) — Jimmer Fredette, Brigham Young
BORING TEAM NEEDS JIMMER MANIA

11. Golden State — Klay Thompson, Washington State:
SORRY, MONTA, IT WAS FUN

12. Utah — Alex Burks, Colorado:
MAYBE A HUGE STEAL

There is actually one of them looking into a mirror. No one knows which one though.

13. Phoenix — Markieff Morris, kansas:
BEFORE MARCUS? NO WAY

14. Houston — Marcus Morris, kansas:
AFTER MARKIEFF? NO WAY

*Side Note: I apologize for the same analysis twice, but they’re twins and they have matching tattoos, they deserve matching analyses. On a side note, Marcus and Markieff has exactlythe same skills except Marcus is a little better at all of them. This didn’t make sense. But think about this: The Suns now have the bad Lopez brother (Robin), the bad Morris brother (Markieff), they drafted the bad Griffin brother (Taylor). D0 they know about the Collins brothers?

15. Indiana (traded to San Antonio) — Kawhi Leonard, San Diego State:
Before trade: DON’T YOU ALREADY HAVE HIM?
After trade: DON’T YOU HAVE HIM ALSO?

16. Philadelphia — Nikola Vucevic, Southern California:
+20 LBS AND HE STARTS

17. New York — Iman Shumpert, Georgia:
SO MANY BETTER PLAYERS AVAILABLE

18. Washington — Chris Singleton, Florida State:
HOW DID HE FALL HERE?

19. Charlotte (traded to Milwaukee) — Tobias Harris, Tennessee:
THIS TRADE WAS STUPID

*Stephen Jackson was in the trade. And then a whole bunch of guys who are relatively meaningless. The draft picks are more exciting than the players traded. It was just a swap meet of mediocre assets.

20. Minnesota (traded to Houston) — Donatas Motiejunas, Lithuania:
HE’S A PROJECT, COULD WORK

21. Portland — Nolan Smith, Duke:
SUPER FIT, LOVE THIS PAIRING

22. Denver — Kenneth Faried, Morehead State:
TEAM CHEMISTRY IS INFECTIOUS

23. Houston (traded to Chicago through Minnesota) — Nikola Mirotic, Serbia:
NO IDEA WHO HE IS

24. Oklahoma City — Reggie Jackson, Boston College:
LIKED HAMILTON BETTER. WHY PROMISE?

25. Boston (traded to New Jersey) — Marshon Brooks, Providence
HE’LL SHOOT A BUNCH AGAIN

26. Dallas (traded to Denver) — Jordan Hamilton, Texas
DENVER DID GREAT TONIGHT

27. New Jersey (traded to Boston) — JaJuan Johnson, Purdue:
HE CAN HELP THE C’S

After Norris Cole was drafted 28th, House Party was illegally downloaded 300,000 times.

28. Chicago (traded to Minnesota) — Norris Cole, Cleveland State:
ANOTHER HIGH-TOP FADE? …………… !!!!!!

29. San Antonio — Cory Joseph, Texas:
THEY MUST KNOW SOMETHING

30. Chicago — Jimmy Butler, Marquette:
BEST STORY IN THE DRAFT

That’s it for my immediate reaction. I’ll have the NBA Draft contest results to you by the weekend and some more Draft stuff early next week.

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