How the Bulls-Heat Eastern Conference Finals is really just Space Jam 2: the Miami Monstars

Bulls-Heat Game 3 starts in a few minutes. This is a game that features a Bulls team led primarily by one player, a guard. This player also won the MVP award this season. And he’s leading his team against a squad primarily built around three mega-huge superstars and pretty no one else. A team that has been billed as invincible at times this season. Does this sound familiar to anyone?

It should, because it’s also the plot of Space Jam.

In fact, I don’t think the Bulls-Heat series now is much more than the long-awaited sequel to Space Jam. It’s not that big of a stretch, just keep reading.

the 2011 Monstars have more wins than the 1996 team, but it looks like the recession and lack of enthusiasm are really impacting attendance numbers.

A closer look at the Monstars reveals that the team is actually just three good players- Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley and Larry Johnson. Mugsy Bogues and Shawn Bradley are on the team too, but they’re nothing more than the shortest and tallest players in the league at that point. Actually, Gheorghe Muresan was wrapped up in shooting My Giant, so Bradley was the tallest player available for filming. Neither the Bradley or Bogues Monstars even took shots, so they don’t really matter, a lot like the cast of players around the Miami Big Three.

Want another similarity between the Heat and the Monstars? How about this one: There are three all-star quality players on the Monstars, but the Larry Johnson one doesn’t even contribute, only Ewing and Barkley do. I know you can see where this is headed. Seriously, for all the fanfare around Bosh being the third star on this team, he isn’t. He doesn’t even touch the ball on most possessions. He goes entire quarters without getting a shot up. And in crunch time, he’s the fifth option on the floor.

The Heat, like the Monstars are a “super-team” that actually boils down to three players with notable skills, and of those three players, only two actually do anything. In fact, I think the heat should look into the additions of Nate Robinson and Yao Ming (or maybe Greg Oden) in the offseason and just rename the franchise the Miami Monstars in the interest of alliteration.

I’m not trying to compare Derrick Rose to Michael Jordan because no player in the NBA should be compared to MJ until they have at least five rings and a 30-something points per game average. But Rose in undoubtedly a Chicago Bull and an MVP winner. He’s also seriously good and the best player on his team, a lot like Jordan was in his day. However, I’m still calling this a sequel, so keep in mind that the main stars are never going to be as good as the originals. The Bulls, like the Toon Squad have a bunch of players we like to cheer for because they’re adorable although not exactly NBA stars: Joakim Noah, Kyle Korver, Luol Deng. Thibodeau is Wayne Knight on the bench. Boozer could be Bill Murray. Again, it’s a sequel, not the original.

So when you watch tonight’s game, don’t be surprised if you have a few I’ve-seen-this-before moments. Don’t be surprised if you believe you can fly. Don’t be surprised if the game comes down to a buzzer beater. Still be surprised if Derrick Rose dunks from halfcourt via  45-foot arm stretch, because that will never stop being amazing.

email