How the End of the World Will Impact the NBA Playoffs

The world is going to end on Saturday.

As far as I know, this is the biggest news of the week. What is truly unique about the upcoming rapture is that it’s going to affect sports, among other things. Consider this: if the entire universe as we know it ends, the NBA playoffs will probably end too.

But what I think is shameful is that we needed ironically-named to tell us about the impending doom that’s coming this weekend. We should have all seen it all predicted earlier, in REM’s hit “It’s the End of the World As We Know It.” Still don’t know where I’m coming from? Strap on your seatbelts, it’s about to get bumpy.

Let me provide you with some lines from this song that may or may not relate precisely to the current NBA playoff action that we are witnessing. Following each lyrics, I’ll give you a little bit of how I interpret things and you can decide for yourself.

Was Michael Stipe a doomsday visionary? And what’s he doing with a young Dirk Nowitzki and Dwyane Wade? The 90’s were weird for everyone.

“Six o’clock – TV hour. Don’t get caught in foreign towers.”
Tonight’s Mavericks/Thunder game (Game 2) started at 6:00 PST. And where was it shown? You guessed it, TV. Also, I don’t know if you’ve seen this Dirk Nowitzki guy who plays on the Mavs, but as far as I’m concerned “foreign” and “tower” are two of the first three words I’d use to describe him.

“Slash and burn, return”
Seems like an odd collection of words, doesn’t it? Doesn’t it? But let me remind you that Dwyane Wade (one of the games premier slashers), who plays for the Heat (burn) just returned to his hometown of Chicago for the first two games of the Eastern Conference Finals. Creeped out yet? it’s about to get vaguer…

“Uh-oh, this means no fear, Cavalier. Renegade, steer clear!”
This is a direct reference to LeBron James fearlessly leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers before this season. Upon leaving, he found that the city turned against him. Popular opinion holds that a renegade LeBron should steer clear of Cleveland right now.

“A tournament, a tournament, a tournament of lies”
What is the playoff system? It’s a tournament. A tournament. And if you haven’t been up on your SpreeGoogs lately, you may have missed it, but there is certainly some shady dealing on the league’s part in terms of free-throw distribution among the players right now. You could even say that the some of the calls are nothing more than lies.

“Team by team reporters baffled”
All the teams have reporters that follow them to write stories. I think it’s very fair to call these people team reporters. And all four remaining teams have made some questionable decision that surely left those writers at a loss for words, even baffled.

“feeling pretty psyched”
Open to interpretation, but applicable in almost any context.

Another part of the Saturday doomsday theory is a belief that the end will come in two stages: 1) all the holy people will taken taken to heaven and 2) the sinners will remain on earth where they will suffer. And they happen in that order. You may remember the 1990s literary and film classic “Left Behind” series. I’m not sure what the waiting period is between these two acts, but if it’s enough to allow a couple of basketball games to be played, let me briefly tale a look at what would happen in these series if step one happened and the righteous players ascended to heaven, leaving the games to be played exclusively by the sinners who were left behind.
*Let me emphasize that I don’t personally know any of these players and, like the May 21 doomsday theory, you shouldn’t take this very seriously. Let me also emphasize that I assume people are nice unless I have a reason to think otherwise.

Post-rapture NBA Playoff Rosters

Good news: Kevin Durant is both awesome at basketball and one of the best guy sin the league. Band News: On Sunday, he’ll no longer be able to play basketball on earth.


Derrick Rose — does anyone think any player out of the Calipari system is clean?
Joakim Noah — literally ugly as sin.
CJ Watson — Wasn’t he involved in Floyd Mayweather going to jail?

Luol Deng
Carlos Boozer
Keith Bogans
Kyle Korver
Omer Asik
Ronnie Brewer
Taj Gibson


LeBron James — Ask anyone who lives in Cleveland. Actually, ask anyone who lives in Ohio. Actually, ask anyone who lives in America.
Udonis Haslem — Very publicly busted on drug possession.
Chris Bosh — A google search told me that Bosh left his live-in girlfriend/fiancée while she was 7 months pregnant and didn’t have medical care or insurance, and she was sick. I think she got sole custody.
Mario Chalmers — I remember Chalmers getting into some serious trouble in college. He went to kansas, so I loved every minute of it.

Dwyane Wade, the man bought his mom a church. This is about 60/40 Worship/Sacrilege but I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
Mike Bibby
Joel Anthony
James Jones
Mike Miller


DeShawn Stevenson — If you haven’t heard the story of his home life, it’s very sad and complicated.
Jason Kidd — He seems like a clean-cut guy, but remember when he beat his wife around 10 years ago? I do.


Dirk Nowitzki
Shawn Marion
Tyson Chandler
Jason Terry
Peja Stojakovic
JJ Barea


No one

Entire team

Analysis: As you can see, the Thunder are severely in trouble. Durant (one of the most likable players in the league) and his crew are pretty much all-around saints. That’s great news now, but on Sunday, when the whole team is watching from heaven as DeShawn Stevenson lights up the empty court and Jason Kidd racks up Stockton-like assist numbers, attitudes may change. Overall, you have to like the post-rapture Heat as the favorites in this thing. They’ve got the most players and they’re all good. I’d get my money in now.