Responding to NFL Draft picks in 5 Words or fewer

In case you all missed Carp’s guest post from a couple of days ago, some people apparently disagree with immediately grading draft picks without seeing a these players for a single down in the pros. I’m ok with it, but everyone else is going to do that. And this is SpreeGoogs, not everyone else.

The draft has just ended and I’m going to immediately analyze each pick without letter grades. Without thumbs up/down. Without any sort of scale of appropriateness. I’m going to recap each pick of tonight’s first round, followed by my five-words-or-fewer ALL-CAPS instant analysis. It’s like a drive-through version of the “A Loud Evening with Mel Kiper” that ESPN is bound to air.

1. Carolina Panthers — Cam Newton, Quarterback (Auburn):
HUGE, FLAMING MISTAKE

2. Denver Broncos — Von Miller, Linebacker (Texas A&M):
MUCH-NEEDED TACKLING MACHINE

3. Buffalo Bills — Marcell Dareus, Defensive Tackle (Alabama):
WILL EAT OPPOSING OFFENSIVE PLAYERS

4. Cincinnati Bengals — A.J. Green, Wide receiver (Georgia):
CARSON PALMER, WE’RE BEGGING YOU

5. Arizona Cardinals — Patrick Peterson, Cornerback (LSU):
BEST PLAYER AROUND

6. Atlanta Falcons — Julio Jones, Wide Receiver (Alabama):
NICE COMPLEMENT FOR WHITE

7. San Francisco 49ers — Aldon Smith, Defensive End (Missouri):
FREAKISHLY ATHLETIC, NICE FIT

8. Tennessee Titans — Jake Locker, Quarterback (Washington):
DO YOU KNOW GABBERT’S AVAILABLE?

9. Dallas Cowboys — Tyron Smith, Offensive Tackle (USC):
RIGHT PLAYER FOR THIS TEAM

10. Jacksonville Jaguars — Blaine Gabbert, Quarterback (Missouri):
JAGUARS PRAYERS ANSWERED

11. Houston Texans — J.J. Watt, Defensive End (Wisconsin):
WILLIAMS AND WATT? UH-OH

12. Minnesota Vikings — Christian Ponder, Quarterback (Florida State):
HAHA, WHO? TELL ME AGAIN.

(1) It's OK Minnesota fans, we all had Christian Ponder going 12th in some round (2) Christian Ponder's mom submitted "31. Christian Ponder" in my NFL Draft contest (3) Christian Ponder is terrible, but got picked 12th in this year's NFL Draft.

13. Detroit Lions — Nick Fairley, Defensive Tackle (Auburn):
THIS D-LINE IS STUPID GOOD

14. St. Louis Rams — Robert Quinn, Defensive End (North Carolina):
HOW DID HE FALL THIS FAR?

15. Miami Dolphins — Mike Pouncey, Center/Guard (Florida):
WHO PLAYS OFFENSE IN MIAMI?

16. Washington Redskins — Ryan Kerrigan, Defensive End (Purdue):
FIRST D-LINE ROULETTE PICK

17. New England Patriots — Nate Solder, Offensive Tackle (Colorado):
WAIT? NO SOUL-STEALING TRADE?

18. San Diego Chargers — Corey Liuget, Illinois (Illinois):
NEEDED A PASS-RUSHER

19. New York Giants — Prince Amukamara, Cornerback (Nebraska):
THIS IS A STEAL

20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Adrian Clayborn, Defensive End (Iowa):
QUICK, EVERYONE START DRAFTING LINEMEN

21. Cleveland Brown — Phil Taylor, Defensive Tackle (Baylor):
“THE BIG BAYLOR-BROWN BLOB”

22. Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Castonzo, Offensive Tackle (Boston College):
PERFECT PLAYER TO FALL HERE

23. Philadelphia Eagles — Danny Watkins, Guard (Baylor):
THOUGHT DALTON COULD GO HERE

24. New Orleans Saints — Cameron Jordan, Defensive End (California):
SAINTS FANS CELEBRATE

25. Seattle Seahawks — James Carpenter, Guard/Tackle (Alabama):
BUT WHO WILL PLAY QUARTERBACK?

26. Kansas City Chiefs — Jon Baldwin, Wide Receiver (Pittsburgh):
NOT GREAT, BUT PRETTY NECESSARY

27. Baltimore Ravens — Jimmy Smith, Cornerback (Colorado):
SUPER TALENTED, BUT CHARACTER COUNTS

28. New Orleans Saints — Mark Ingram, Running Back (Alabama):
SAINTS FANS CELEBRATE MORE AGGRESSIVELEY

28. Chicago Bears — Cabe Carimi, Offensive Tackle (Wisconsin):
ONLY FOUR HOLES LEFT

30.  New York Jets — Muhammad Wilkerson, Defensive Tackle (Temple):
SUPER VALUE, SHOULD SUCCEED HERE

31. Pittsburgh Steelers — Cameron Heyward, Defensive End (Ohio State):
HOW DID THIS DEFENSE IMPROVE?

32. Green Bay Packers — Derek Sherrod, Offensive Tackle (Mississippi State):
PROTECTING RODGERS- GOOD IDEA

More NFL draft coverage to come. Today was my highest traffic day of all time, so keep coming back hungry, because I’ll feed you.

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