Most of the posts in this blog up to now have been in what I would refer to as the area of factuality and relevancy labeled “borderline.” But that all changes right now. Strap on your hard hats, because SpreeGoogs is about to take you on a hard-hitting tour inside Shane Battier Head Disease.
Starting today and continuing for the next 2 and a half weeks, the entire world will turn an eye to the sport of basketball. And what will they see? Lines in people heads. Not good lines (notably, cornrows), but dangerous lines. Disease lines. Still don’t know what I’m talking about? Take a look at this picture of Shane Battier’s head during an NCAA Tournament game while he played for Duke:
Let’s start with the basics: What is Shane Battier Head Disease? It’s an uncomfortable-looking series of wrinkles or creases in the scalp of a person with short hair, making those particular wrinkles or creases obvious and frequently distracting. As you can see from the picture above, SBHD jumps right out at you. You can’t stop looking at it, like a car accident or someone who has a particularly bad tattoo.
More importantly, I want to focus on the potential health risks of SBHD. Shane Battier himself has been lucky enough to remain active in the NBA for years, but can you think of any other SBHD victims off the top of your head (pun rimshot)? Here’s one that comes to mind: Greg Oden. Have you ever seen his head? It looks like corduroy. If you need proof of SBHD’s dangerous effects beyond the visible discomfort, look at Oden’s playing career. Due to his lifelong battle with SBHD, Oden has missed a majority of the last 3 NBA seasons. It’s just dangerous.
Are you ready to hear the most disturbing fact about SBHD? The cure is KNOWN. Grow your hair out. It doesn’t need to be very much, although the most effective treatment to date has been the afro. It’s tough to watch basketball today and see so many talented young players battling SBHD with this obvious cure so readily available. Unless awareness is raised, SBHD could be our generation’s Charcot-Marie-Tooth-Disease, ruining the career of the most talented players at the pinnacle of success.
As a response to the SBHD epidemic, I’m going to suggest an awareness campaign that lasts the length of this year’s NCAA basketball tournament. To help promote the cause, you can pull the ribbon from this post. No basketball players need to battle a wrinkled head for no reason, and I like to think all the effort will be worth it if we can reach just one affected victim. The tournament starts today, so buckle up. And grab hands and sing about SBHD.