Is Pau Gasol the ostrich with tennis shoes from Donkey Kong?

That’s a serious question.

Most of the coverage of this NBA season has focused on a bunch of boring stories: Will the Lakers 3-peat? What will happen in the Miami Heat Big 3 experiment? How many games can Kevin Love record a double-double while managing to stay out of the MVP discussion? How many games can the Spurs win before someone on the team develops a personality? These stories are everywhere.

But watching the Mavs-Lakers game tonight (or any Lakers game, for that matter) really should have raised another, more animal-friendly question: Is Pau Gasol an ostrich?

Gasol = Ostrich. Is is that much of a stretch?

Think about it. What exactly do we know about Pau? He’s foreign, but where exactly is he from? Have you heard him talk? Have you heard an ostrich talk? The flightless ostrich has trouble jumping, similar to Gasol. And what’s that thing called when we spreads out his arms and measures the distance from fingertip to fingertip? Oh, that’s right. WINGspan.

But this post is not made to challenge whether Gasol is or is not an ostrich, it is meant to specify exactly which ostrich he is. Given his profession and general likelihood to be wearing athletic apparel, it can be reasonably asserted that Pau Gasol is, in fact, Expresso, the ostrich from the Donkey Kong video game series. Play any of the DK games featuring Expresso/a young Gasol, and then watch the Lakers big man in action and you just have to make the comparison.

Current estimation of what Expresso the Donkey Kong ostrich would look like today.

Here’s the biggest problem with the discovery: ostriches are currently an endangered species. And one of them is enduring NBA-style physicality on a daily basis. The health implications for the species go without saying. It would be irresponsible for this blog to pretend this won’t have an impact on the upcoming NBA lockout talks, with animal rights activists potentially getting involved.

There’s really not any particular suggestion that I could make to the Lakers or the league in regards to how to fix this problem if that’s even what it is. Is Pau Gasol an ostrich, or specifically Expresso- it’s something that anyone who ever watches the NBA can’t not ask. And the reason you read all the way to the end of this post is probably because you were thinking it too; and you were right.

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